Sex Stories - Our Readers Best

Recently, we put out a call for the best (worst) bad sex stories. And boy, did readers come through. In fact, the hundreds and hundreds of submissions we read make us wish to retire our genitals for life. Your Worst Sex Stories, Please. The best method to deal with a dreadful, cringe-inducing, potentially humorous sexual experience is to ...

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Exactly what makes a bad sex story the worst sex story, particularly when you've received 900 submissions of them in a matter of hours? There is so much disappointing virginity loss, numerous intrusive animals or parents, unknown semi-public sex encounters foiled by cops. There are numerous UTIs, though perhaps only one involved orange squirting. Surprise anal probably could be its own anthology, as could "climax in unanticipated places." (Eyes. Ears. Discharged from one's nose mid-giggle.) So much of it is lubricated or entirely spoiled by alcohol. However the below 10 stories managed to make even those sexual misadventures pale. When we vote later today, it will be a harsh option amongst herculean tasks of horrible sex. But not as brutal as really experiencing it.

1. The Unanticipated Exclamation. While the man who wished to be called Clifford the Big Red Canine-- doggie style, get it?-- throughout sex was a strong competitor, as were the girls staging their own sexual non sequitur contest, it was hard to beat this certain episode of dirty talk, experienced by commenter enidcoleslaw: I fulfilled some individual at a party, and wound up going to his residence ... Mid-thrust, he started laughing manically and screamed "I am fucking an alien princess! I am fucking an alien princess!" I, far too sober, immediately stopped, then needed to listen to him state, with large eyes: "your vagina resembles the refrigerator scene in Ghostbusters." I dropped off to sleep and got up in the morning to him consuming a whole vital lime pie in bed. Not even looking over at me, he said: "you can't have any." I walked home.

2. Bent Out Of Shape. There were many physical contortions and injuries that hurt to review, but even for a lady, this one was most agonizing, from commenter Jeremy:

While riding me cowgirl, an ex bounced up too high, I partially moved out, she came back down and my penis kinked in the middle, to the left. I felt the snap echo through my whole body. Awful screams. A shame, it was quite fun up till that point. It remained like that for nearly a year when one day it miraculously corrected itself.

3. The Complete Release. It would be simple to stack the finalists entirely with sheer gross-outs, but not everything can be about poop. (Or vomit. Or pee.) But it can occasionally! Via e-mail: I was fifteen. My very first boyfriend had actually talked me into offering him a blowjob, his and my first one. After some hesitation, I started and everything seemed to be going as he described it would be. Half method through, I saw my chest felt truly warm and wet. I looked down and to my horror, there was an indescribable amount of diarrhea covering my white t-shirt. To this day, I'm not exactly sure what occurred. Naturally the genuine enjoyable part was when I needed to left my t-shirt over my go to get it off.

4. The Brass Ring. Never once more will certainly we question whether Farrelly brothers-style slapstick ever happens in reality. Commenter interrobanggirl gets reward points for urination add-on. It was the first time I made love with this guy, and he was striking it from behind on his huge brass bed. At one point, I was getting tired, so I went to turn my visit make eye contact (I had read that that made guys crazy) and I understood that my head was stuck in between the brass posts. I resembled a children in a banister, and kept picturing firefighters having to conserve me. My date sure could not conserve me - he, in fact, laughed so hard that he peed on the floor.

5. The Sweaty Political Fetishist This contender, salvagedgrace, made it to the finals simply based on a buffet of transcendent terribleness, all in a single, impressive romp. the first (and last) time i ever had sex with this kid, he handled to fail on just about every level: a) 5 minutes in, he was sweating a lot that he had to stop to ask me for a towel- my space was not hot, and it was definitely not a laborious five minutes. unfortunately, he was on top, so i can empathize with victims of waterboarding. b) the unclean talk came in full sentences- each one had a subject and predicate. such as ... c) "you are my sexy little socialist." (he is a republican and i am not) certainly not the venue for political discourse of any kind, let alone when said throughout one of the many time that he ... 

d) stopped f * cking so he might look into my eyes. no joke, at least a dozen times he pulled back to offer me this puppy pet face since in some way during this farce he had actually decided we were true love. he kept going soft, which would not have been so god dreadful if he didn't stop to blame the prophylactic each time. and in the manner of a comic. "exactly what, are these condoms constructed of lead or something?!". e). additional obnoxious when it's followed, practically promptly, by "i love how excellent it feels inside you.". f) he not just attempted to jackhammer during our inaugural romp, but he really tried to compel the mattress to spring him. all this did was lead to a truly uncomfortable series of thrusts where his rhythm didn't match the mattress and his cock simply stabbed me a few times. g) he kissed great beyond bed, but once in bed the kissing was relegated to small pecks in rapid succession, and with his eyes open.

h) i have big breasts, which he commonly claimed to be a fan of. given that he's a big, rough and tumble type of guy i anticipated some good groping out of this combination. no such luck. instead of quality love and attention, my breasts were delicately patted with an open hand even after the third time i informed him that he would not break me. i) throughout sex he really apologized for being 'inappropriate.' i'm not a subtle woman- you'll understand when i want an apology from you, and it's a really slim chance that it'll ever be while you're inside me. j) when i had tired every other trick in my book and this still had not been over- i asked him to flex me over so he 'd feel more comfy objectifying me and i wouldn't need to see his face. i positioned the requisite hand to direct him into location, and after a couple minutes realized that he still had not made contact, regardless of all his talking. it had not been up until i moved my hand away and he made a joke about 'falling out' that i understood he 'd didn't understand that he 'd been fucking my hand instead of me.

6. The French Connection. Adult walk-ins were a popular part of the sexual horror story pantheon, as were trips abroad, but only one, Violeta's, consisted of an unexpected parent, transnationalism and a champagne repress the butt. A few years back, my French bf-at-the-time took me to Paris to fulfill his family ... His mom, a hoity-toity Parisienne who believes that her only boy is GOD, which no woman could potentially be elegant sufficient to deserve him. Their regard is mutual - he worships her as much as she worships him. One evening after a champagne-soaked supper, she delegated go to the theater. Expecting that she 'd be gone for several hours, we began having regular sex, and afterwards anal sex, on a couch adjacent to the table at which we 'd had dinner. Things kept getting hotter, and my b.f. began f * cking my ass with the slim end of a champagne bottle. This felt good at first ... but then I recognized that something felt off. I slowed him down in an effort to comprehend exactly what on Earth my body was doing, and I understood that my bowels were moving. And I type of realized that it was too late to stop what was occurring. At this already Godforsaken minute, we hear a key in the door and his mom pops into the room. The bitch had actually forgotten her shawl or something. So there I am, naked, on her couch, while her child, likewise naked, is holding a champagne bottle that is certainly deeply embedded in my ass. We scream, and he pulls out the bottle. And instantly out comes a LARGE, dark brown, smelly piece of poop. It just presents - this seemed like it was occurring in slow motion, and I kept trying to stop it however I couldn't - and lands on her sofa. The French child and I separated quickly afterwards. I dumped him - pun intended.

7. The Thwacking One-Hit Marvel. While we are in concept sympathetic to performance stress and anxieties, Luciolebizarre's tragicomic encounter with an unconcerned underperformer makes us pity her more than him. That he was a grown guy who still called himself Timmy must have tipped me off that this wasn't going to be the most satisfying experience. So Timmy was a fairly sweet, if dim person and before we had sex he informed me he 'd made love with a few girls, however only one time each and he didn't understand why. I was all, "That's so odd! You're absolutely charming, let's have sex twice today.". Half an hour into messing around, I figured it out. Not just did he not get hard at all, it appears that nobody had ever informed him that you have to in fact be erect prior to attempting to penetrate a lady. He kept holding his tiny, limp prick and trying to sort of ... just ... flop it inside of me, I guess. I attempted my best to, um, correct the circumstance and get things actually going, however he kept stating, "What's wrong? Why will not you just put it inside you?" So I just sort of ... shoved his flaccid penis within me and he started to moan like it was feeling really great for him. Then it promptly simply fell out. I keep in mind how unfortunate and drooping it looked lying against his leg and afterwards how pitiful the entire effort was as he started to rock against me, carefully thwacking his droopy, listless penis in between my legs as though I must be the luckiest lady on the planet. Needless to say, we did not make love more than the one time. I wonder if he has because broken that streak.

8. The Unwanted Stump. Even the most kink-oriented coupler (or tripler) has borders. And for JustSmileAndNod, that was one guy's sweaty stump. I had finally accepted a threesome with the man I had actually been associated with a Dominant/submissive friends-with-benefits circumstance for the last 4 months. Given that this was mostly my fantasy that he had wanted to fulfill, it was going to be a male-male-female threesome. I fidgeted, to state the least. He had actually accepted write up an ad for Craigslist, let me evaluate it prior to posting, and screen all the responses ... We finally picked one-not my first choice, or even my 2nd, but he in fact followed up. ... I understood that if I could see what was going on, I wouldn't go through with it, so we agreed that I would be blindfolded and he would look after me, gauging the scenario and making sure the Visitor didn't violate my restrictions. I was kneeling, blindfolded, in the middle of the living room, when the doorbell called ... It didn't take long prior to Guest was naked and in my mouth. Nor did it take long after we rolled around a bit and had actually changed positions that I started feeling little "feather brushes" against my arms. For the life of me, I might not find out what the sensation was-they lacked pattern but distinct and localized experiences versus my skin. It wasn't up until I started feeling them on my face as I was essentially tea-bagging him that I understood that HE WAS SWEATING ON ME. The Visitor, this guy I had just "met" in the loosest of terms, had not been just sweaty, he was sweating huge, gross, hairy man sweat droplets all over my face and torso. That need to have been my clue to stop, but I'm a trooper and a bit loathe to cause a scene. Besides, my Guy was there, I knew I was safe, and he and I were having fun. Fast forward to the end of the afternoon. I'm on the floor on my back after my Man and I finished fucking, type of spent from all the activities, however still blindfolded. I can feel the Visitor's hands on me, and he asks if he can get me off again. Not one to say no to an orgasm, he begins attending to me digitally. But then the sensation changes-it feels as if he's attempting to fist me, however with his palm or something. The sensation is off ... and after that it strikes me: The Guest is an amputee and is TRYING TO FIST ME WITH HIS STUMP! I do not go for fisting to begin with, however trying to fit his stump in my vagina was just never going to happen, so I stop the scene, he leaves, and I go to the bathroom to clean up. When I come out, I rely on my Man and ask, "What he missing out on a hand?". "Yes he was. I didn't believe it would be polite to turn him away simply because of it however.". "That holds true, however Stumpy attempted to fist me with his stump! Without asking! Had he tried to fist me, that would have been bad enough, but baffling without consent is simply bad kind.".

9. The Blood stream Blood is practically never a welcome visitor to a sex scene, be it menstrual blood after a foiled loss-of-virginity attempt, or surprise nosebleeds throughout cunnilingus-- two times. And torn genital areas were remarkably common. Still, Petit_Pois undoubtedly suffered the worst blood-related indignity. I was "by hand prepping" him and thought it was strange that there was so much precum. Ultimately, I flicked on the light to get a condom and he said "Oh my god, you're bleeding!" I began going crazy. How could this be?! I just left my duration. My hands, tummy and thighs were COVERED in blood ... but my nether region was clear. Then, I examine and I see blood actually GUSHING from the head of his prick. I was so gone crazy I just shouted "YOUR DICK IS BLOOD LOSS" and ran out of the space ... He was more mortified than I was ... if possible. He told me about a month earlier, he was actually wasted and zoomed the head of his penis in his pants. Being very drunk, he couldn't remove it, so compelled the zipper down/yanked his penis out. He then passed out to later on find himself on a blood soaked bed mattress. The doctor told him he required sewn to close it back up, but didn't do it ... leaving both his penis and me marked for life.

10. The Potential Artist And if that was too much bodily-function misfire for you, here's an after-sex discovery from strangerthanfiction to end on a potentially sweet, if completely fucking odd, note. As a freshman in college, I decided to nurse the wounds of a bad break up with a casual sex. I ought to have run in the other direction when the person told me he was working on his "memoirs" (he was 19), however I was pretty desperate. The sex itself was uncomfortable, passionless, and boring, but the real treat came the next day. I arrived back to my dorm room in last night's garments, and as I was altering to visit the showers, my roommate discovered something unusual on my ass. Turned out the person had actually made use of me while I was asleep ... a sailboat, a cat, and a rocketship, all on my butt, all in highlighter.